K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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