There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Randomize
