I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
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I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
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Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
FUCK WHALES
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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