So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
