btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
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i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
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Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
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