i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
