my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
