you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
