i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
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my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
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I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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