just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
