never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
