Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
