Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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