okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
