I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
