Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
