I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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