so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
