we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
