john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
