DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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