she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
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