I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
