My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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