she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
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Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
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I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?