I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
