how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
