You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
