Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
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I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
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He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
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