Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
