i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
