I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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