I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
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