how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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