I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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