Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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