Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
