So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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