so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
