Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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