Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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