I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
