If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
