So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
two words...techno handjob
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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