That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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