Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
