If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
