When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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