The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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