My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
