yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
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I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
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you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
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