Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
