He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
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