hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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