you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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