just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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